a bad mistake.

in my last post, i mentioned the fact that i was done with badboy.
done with his delicious sex.
done with his unrelenting sex drive.
basically done with him.

but that was a downright lie. 
oh, i went back - yes,  yes i did.  the badboy and i, in fact, have shared many nights together since i last spoke.  there have even been moments where i thought that maybe badboy wasn't so bad at all. that maybe the two of us could come together when all the odds were stacked against us.

you know, 'cause that happens all the time.  clearly badboy will turn out to be just a bad boy waiting for the right girl to come along and make him a good boy.

in.my.dreams.

i don't know how i convinced myself that maybe i would be different than any other girl badboy had come across. i don't know how i could put myself in such a vunerable situation (just wait, i'm getting to that). and i really don't know how i could resort back to being on the receiving end of a 30-something, non-committed asshole. i thought i had learned my lesson on that one.

but no, instead i decided that i should come right out and talk to badboy about this whole "thing" we've got going on.  my issue is this - i'm in my mid 20s, i understand the risks that go along with a non-monogamous relationship.  i'm too old for bullshit and i'm certainly too old for an std.  i wanted to ensure that if we were going to continue this "thing" that we were to be 100% safe about it because i wasn't sure if i was the only "thing" in his life.

annnddd he went silent.
like i basically just trumped the drunken "you anmd me = yes" text.
there was an obvious pause and then a terrible awkwardness that wound up ruining the entire evening.  there was sex, of course. safe sex. and all i could think about the whole time was - "i'm.not.the.only.one." - over and over again in my head.  what a terrible feeling. 

badboy is gone. for good this time. i can't be left feeling like this ever again.  i should not have to question a boy's intentions with me.  and i shouldn't have to be ms. monday or "one of many."  it's unfair.

i deserve better.
all girls do.