found.

i have always maintained that i would never settle.
i have been lucky enough to surround myself in love and loving couples my whole life - first with my beautiful parents who taught me that long lasting love and respect is possible...and in later years, with couples who value and adore each other beyond my wildest dreams.  it has been both an incredible yet frustrating experience to witness such love as i stood on the sidelines waiting to find my own butterflies.  my own person to give me that love and affection i so desperately wanted. so i vowed to never, ever, settle.

so i searched, and well, searched i did. through an endless barage of bad dates and even worse relationships.  to the point where i was so upset and frustrated that i thought maybe i was the anomoly - that i was the forever singleton who would celebrate and appreciate the love around me, but never have love to call my own.

until now.
until AB.

i have found the butterflies that i had been looking for.  that i had been hoping for.  when i felt my most lost, he found me.  i quite literally have been found and in that process, discovered the butterflies only dreams could be made of.  my dreams, in fact.

he makes me feel special everyday and he has this amazing ability to lift my spirits by just smiling.  he tells me he loves waking up beside me in the morning and when we kiss, he kisses me like i'm the only thing that matters. 

i know it is early on, but i have been through enough almost-butterflies, lust, thrust, and smitten-ness to know that this is different.  this is beyond any of that.  this is soul-lust and brain-thrust and this is real.  and for me, real never constituted romantic.  but it is more romantic than i ever imagined.  AB has pushed me into a reality of existence i never thought possible - one where a relationship is both a friendship and lovership.  one where support and kindness can be better than thrills and orgasms.   and while the orgasms are ever present, they are but a mere side dish to a wonderful main dish that makes me swoon with every bite.

we search each and every day to find experiences and thrills that bring us to a new place.  that enable us to brag to our friends about said moments - moments that help us grow and understand ourselves a little better.  i never thought i would find an experience like AB.  that i would find a person who so closely matched everything i could have ever asked for in a partner, lover, or friend. 

but i did.
and i couldn't be more happier to be found.

fire and rain

as little girls, or big girls, for that matter, we set unrealistic expectations for the man we will eventually fall in love with.  "the man" we want to marry - the man who will find us, rescue us, and sweep us off our feet for all of eternity.

"my man" has many traits: he must love animals, but not want one.  he must want children, but be open to not having any.  he must hold doors open for ladies, write well, and speak highly of his mother.  he must accept my love for britney spears and understand my need for a good cup of coffee in the morning.  he must recognize that reading fiction and hating movies that were orginally books is the right thing to do.  he must know that James Taylor is a romantical genious and that the song "fire and rain" is the most romantical song in history.

enter AB. who understands, accepts, and has nice little check marks against everything that i have listed above.


i should barely like him but i feel like i already love him.  he stands for and holds dear everything that i have ever appreciated and been passionate about in my life.  he's a man at 25...and a wonderful man at that.  he is not a boy, not a boy in any sense of the word. he lost his dad to the big C word almost 2 years ago and that made him a very mature and well represented man very early on.  that i recognized immediately. 

where i am loud and obnoxious, he is thoughtful and shy.  where i am mean and rude, he is thoughtful and inquisitive.  and for these reasons, i am completely smitten.  i feel like he holds the power to rescue me from this terrible place i have been residing these past few months and i'm both scared and excited to see where this goes.

he gives me butterflies where i have never felt them before - in my soul.  i want to know him, inside and out.  and i want him to break down the barriers i have built up so strongly after dealing with bullshit and idiocy for as long as i can remember.   he makes life interesting and worth living again. and we've only been out on two dates.

i can't wait to see what happens.  

sometimes a girl just needs a good label

i have somehow lost my way in my search for butterflies.
tonight i feel empty and lost after feeling full and found for a staggering three months.
yes, people, three.  this is big for me, okay?

oh mr. bank, how i will miss you.  he entered  my life with such gusto, grace, and fun that i never wanted him to leave.  but leave he did - off to the big city - the city that i seem to lose all of my lovers to.  he met me on a Thursday and found out the following Monday that he had received the job offer of a lifetime, a job that would require relocation. 

instead of running in the other direction, he talked to me about it.  yes, talked. like, as in feelings and shit.  he told me that he liked where this was going and that he wanted to continue it even after he moved to the big city.  was i up for it?

hell yeah homie.

and so began a month of moving preparations and constantly trying to push the feeling of anxiety and insecurity over a long distance relationship out of my head.  we had only been dating a month and he was leaving.  how do you get to know someone when they are five hours away?

you make it work, people.  or so tim gunn would say.

and oh, i tried. i tried so.damn.hard to make it work.  he moved - on a rainy August morning and we made plans for me to go down and visit him two weekend's later.  the visit was mixed with feelings of passion, happiness, sadness, and pure embarassment.

yes, i said embarssment.  i drank too much wine on friday night and let it slip i had referred to him as my BOYFRIEND to a coworker.  he took the word BOYFRIEND as though it was the most vile thing he had ever heard.

"wow," he said, "i haven't been labelled in a really long time."
wow indeed.

i was so hurt and thrown back that i was rendered speechless for what seemed like 5 minutes.  it probably wasn't even 5 seconds.  so i apologized and changed the subject immediately.  but it wasn't the same after.

not at all the same.  after i left Sunday night and flew back to my wonderful home, i couldn't help but feel terrible about the whole thing.  why was he so worried about a label?  i'm a marketer - my life is full of labels and branding.  sometimes a girl needs a good label, i think.

and Mr. Bank wouldn't give it to me.  and to add to my misery, his texting was inconsisent and cold upon my return from his new home.  i was confused and sad - gone were the days of cute pet names and random sexting.  Mr. Bank had become distant and weird. 

i won't get into the nitty details but he ended it tonight.  he was so uncomfortable with my boyfriend bomb that he said he felt smothered and pressured between two cities.  it appears that in the end, i was dumped over a stupid label.  

but why do labels get such a bad rap? they aren't necessarily a bad thing.  labels help us  identify and they hold recognizable features that make us feel comfortable and safe.  that's all i wanted with Mr. Bank - comfortable and safe.  secure and wanted.   and now that's gone.  all because of my want for a label in the first place.

good bye Mr. Bank.

the space in between.

it has been quite sometime since i've sat down to write.
these past few months, the space in between my last post..and now, is a space that is so indescribable, i don't even know where to begin.

i guess it begins with my idea of taking a hiatus.  a hiatus from dating. from badboys. from heart ache and drunken texts.  i think i lost myself in a myriage of boys and dates - seeking desperately to find those butterflies.  i was focusing so much on the idea of a perfect boy that i stopped focusing on me. 

i vowed to take three months (beginning in January) to not date, to not have sex, and to focus on me.  it didn't work.  i wound up breaking the rules almost two months in with a dumb boy who i met through a friend at work.  i think the hiatus did the exact opposite of what i wanted - it made me needy and horny...and those two together are a disasterous combination.  this dumb boy episode made me realize that i did want to find someone - but someone who wanted a relationship and was going to be a constant in my life.  

so i took up online dating.
yeah. i am still totally embarassed about it.
it's like admitting that you failed at normal social conditions - that my stupid hiatuses and silly ways have driven me to face an online buffet of desperate men in my city. and you know what? thus far, it has been a disaster.  well, i did meet one almost match - the almost lawyer.  but he's a story for another day.

instead, i am going to tell you the story of jj. the man who i totally fell head over heels for instantly.  the man who i could totally see myself being with.  ah, the man who was married.

jj and i connected immediately - there was a spark like i had never felt before and the conversation and flirtation was amazing.  we were superstars in each other's company and it was only inevitable that something was going to happen.  we started meeting each other for wine after work and created this amazing pseudo-friendship where you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. 

the affair began in the parking lot of a restaurant with a simple kiss and ended in a tragic tear fest.  there is a lot in between that is still too fresh and too raw to put down into words right now.  what we did was completely wrong and for that, i should be sorry. but i'm not.  it seems so unfair that situation and circumstance can get in the way of what could have been the greatest love of all.   unfair seems to be the common demonator - unfair that jj got the best of both worlds, unfair that i'm not with him, and unfair that there is nothing i can do about it.

i wish this story had a happy ending. i wish my absence had purpose or merit. instead i'm nursing heart ache and anger.
the space in between was so filled with promise for a short period of time, but was taken away to reveal a dark, empty void.

a bad mistake.

in my last post, i mentioned the fact that i was done with badboy.
done with his delicious sex.
done with his unrelenting sex drive.
basically done with him.

but that was a downright lie. 
oh, i went back - yes,  yes i did.  the badboy and i, in fact, have shared many nights together since i last spoke.  there have even been moments where i thought that maybe badboy wasn't so bad at all. that maybe the two of us could come together when all the odds were stacked against us.

you know, 'cause that happens all the time.  clearly badboy will turn out to be just a bad boy waiting for the right girl to come along and make him a good boy.

in.my.dreams.

i don't know how i convinced myself that maybe i would be different than any other girl badboy had come across. i don't know how i could put myself in such a vunerable situation (just wait, i'm getting to that). and i really don't know how i could resort back to being on the receiving end of a 30-something, non-committed asshole. i thought i had learned my lesson on that one.

but no, instead i decided that i should come right out and talk to badboy about this whole "thing" we've got going on.  my issue is this - i'm in my mid 20s, i understand the risks that go along with a non-monogamous relationship.  i'm too old for bullshit and i'm certainly too old for an std.  i wanted to ensure that if we were going to continue this "thing" that we were to be 100% safe about it because i wasn't sure if i was the only "thing" in his life.

annnddd he went silent.
like i basically just trumped the drunken "you anmd me = yes" text.
there was an obvious pause and then a terrible awkwardness that wound up ruining the entire evening.  there was sex, of course. safe sex. and all i could think about the whole time was - "i'm.not.the.only.one." - over and over again in my head.  what a terrible feeling. 

badboy is gone. for good this time. i can't be left feeling like this ever again.  i should not have to question a boy's intentions with me.  and i shouldn't have to be ms. monday or "one of many."  it's unfair.

i deserve better.
all girls do.

an update.

it has been quite some time since i last provided you an update.  and i'm here to tell you - there is reason for this absence.  the reason(s) in chronological order:

1 -  the virgin "did I mention I have Crohns?" guy
2 -  the friend-of-the-coworker (AKA married dude) 
2 -  the return of the badboy


i am well aware that these are not really reasons, but boys.  but isn't that the best reason ever?  i have been living in the awkward middleground that is singleness for quite some time now and lately, i have been calling into question my own ability to attract guys who i want to date and be serious with.  this ability appears to be non-existent - i love bad, bad boys. boys who you don't want to take home to your family.  boys who don't call you back. 

so after my latest disasterous bout of badboy, i decided that i should take this realization that i am attracting the wrong kind of boy and once again, try for the good.   enter my roomie, who sets me up immediately with an old coworker.  he's tall and nice and smart, she says.  he is a good person, a Finance guy. oh, and did we mention he's a virgin? yep. 

i must admit, i was intrigued.  he's in his late 20s, i saw his facebook profile picture - he's cute, and he's got a good future ahead of him.  i am assured by ms. roomie that he is social and friendly...and her guess is that he just has never had the right opportunity.  good guys, apparently, wait for an act of god before performing a deadly sin. 

so i decided to go on a Sunday brunch date with the virgin. and saw why he was still a virgin.  homeboy is rake thin.  tall and thin. and while i understand this works for some ladies, it does not work for this one.  but i gave it the benefit of the doubt, enjoyed brunch and the company, and decided that nice guys deserve a date (and a break) sometimes. 

and when the virgin asked if we could go to a movie that week, i said yes.   so off we went to an old school theatre downtown right before Halloween to see an old horror classic and as we sit settle into our seats and wait for the film to start,  he throws out the most ridiculous and TMI (def'n - acronym, too much information) statement i have ever heard on a second date - "did i mention i have crohns?" 

and wow.  obviously my first thought is poor guy.  my next thought is, well that's why he's so skinny. how does someone react to a statement like this?  i felt horrible and mumbled that i was sorry to hear that...blah blah blah...please get me the hell out of here.  that's when i also looked down and saw that his thighs were skinnier than mine.

deal breaker. total deal breaker.  trust me, the crohns i could handle, the TMI i could chalk up as nerves, but the thighs?  no way. it was done right then and there.  that's my thing. a dude's gotta have bigger thighs.  anything else is just unnatural.


and so after the movie, i broke things off with the virgin TIMI guy.  and went on to warding off the friend-of-a-coworker.  he's married and older and works for a company i really, really want to work for some day.  and he likes me. very much.  he IMs me every day and it's relentless.  it has gone from innocent to not innocent at all.  and all the while this is going on, badboy comes back on the scene.


turns out he wasn't uninterested, he's just bad.  he doesn't want dates and movie nights, he wants sex, motorcycles, and cigarettes.  so i had my way with him on my own terms (read: great round 2 sex) and felt that at least i remembered all of it this time, and he seemed very satisfied.  that badass bust made me call into question my "abilities" and made me feel that perhaps i wasn't desirable.  why else would he not want to see me again.  oh yeah, he's the badboy.


i see the badboy and i continuing a professional and friendly front at work, but i think i'm done.  he's not what i want.  he is not good for the ego, or the soul.  

after the badboy realization, it appeared that the whole friend-of-the-colleague chatting sessions were getting more racy (on his end) and very inappropriate messages.  especially while he was away on business this week.  he recorded, yes recorded, the most sexual messages i have heard.  it was like phone sex, but a recording.  it made me blush, laugh, and tingly all at the same time.  and that should not have been the case.  this guy should not be doing this.  he's married and has 2 kids.  not cool dude, not cool.  and here i was almost encouraging it.


so i slapped myself out of my egoistic, attention-seeking frame of mind and told him to stop. and he kinda has.  kinda.  there are no more recordings, but there is certainly still a lot of messaging and attention.   

is this bad? probably.  
but i can't cut all bad out of my life, where's the fun in that?

the badass bust.

damn.
my hopes of catching and taming the badboy are over.
dashed.  gone. a  distant memory.

there have been a few texts,  some casual conversation, and  a  msn conversation here and there  - but that does not constitute progress.   i asked him out over msn today to see this cool documentary - a film that is playing for only two days downtown.  and he told me he has volleyball on both of those nights, sadface, sorry.


no offer of an alternative.
no continuing of the conversation.
i may as well had a phat farm sweatshirt on - he is so not into me.

damn.