the space in between.

it has been quite sometime since i've sat down to write.
these past few months, the space in between my last post..and now, is a space that is so indescribable, i don't even know where to begin.

i guess it begins with my idea of taking a hiatus.  a hiatus from dating. from badboys. from heart ache and drunken texts.  i think i lost myself in a myriage of boys and dates - seeking desperately to find those butterflies.  i was focusing so much on the idea of a perfect boy that i stopped focusing on me. 

i vowed to take three months (beginning in January) to not date, to not have sex, and to focus on me.  it didn't work.  i wound up breaking the rules almost two months in with a dumb boy who i met through a friend at work.  i think the hiatus did the exact opposite of what i wanted - it made me needy and horny...and those two together are a disasterous combination.  this dumb boy episode made me realize that i did want to find someone - but someone who wanted a relationship and was going to be a constant in my life.  

so i took up online dating.
yeah. i am still totally embarassed about it.
it's like admitting that you failed at normal social conditions - that my stupid hiatuses and silly ways have driven me to face an online buffet of desperate men in my city. and you know what? thus far, it has been a disaster.  well, i did meet one almost match - the almost lawyer.  but he's a story for another day.

instead, i am going to tell you the story of jj. the man who i totally fell head over heels for instantly.  the man who i could totally see myself being with.  ah, the man who was married.

jj and i connected immediately - there was a spark like i had never felt before and the conversation and flirtation was amazing.  we were superstars in each other's company and it was only inevitable that something was going to happen.  we started meeting each other for wine after work and created this amazing pseudo-friendship where you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. 

the affair began in the parking lot of a restaurant with a simple kiss and ended in a tragic tear fest.  there is a lot in between that is still too fresh and too raw to put down into words right now.  what we did was completely wrong and for that, i should be sorry. but i'm not.  it seems so unfair that situation and circumstance can get in the way of what could have been the greatest love of all.   unfair seems to be the common demonator - unfair that jj got the best of both worlds, unfair that i'm not with him, and unfair that there is nothing i can do about it.

i wish this story had a happy ending. i wish my absence had purpose or merit. instead i'm nursing heart ache and anger.
the space in between was so filled with promise for a short period of time, but was taken away to reveal a dark, empty void.