that nice guy

I started this blog in an effort to keep my darling best friend who is currently on a job assignment in the middle east up to date on my boy adventures.

and it has turned into so much more than that.
this blog has quickly turned into my Journal 2.0.
my thoughts are now typed for all the world to see on the Internets. gone are the days when they were locked away in my nightstand, right next to the vibrator and condoms.

and i kinda like it.
perhaps my mistakes, endeavours, successes, and their subsequent lessons will shed light on others' search for butterflies.

so here i am today, to muse about That Nice Guy.
we all know one - the guy who gets you a cab home, the one who finds your jacket and makes sure you get home safe.

i have one of those and he likes me. a lot, i think.  i met That Nice Guy through good friends and through various social and sport activities. we actually see each other quite often.

and one night in the middle of the summer, we made out in the rain, in my car.  here was the conversation:

*intense storm rain is beating down and we are in my car, music is playing softly on the radio...there is silence..until finally..*

That Nice Guy: wow. that is intense rain.
me: righhhht. so are we going to sit here in my car and talk about the weather, or are you going to kiss me?
That Nice Guy: oh yes, right, i was getting to that.

and so began a very lovely make-out that lasted for quite sometime, until the rain died down and he ran inside.  and i ran away.

he is too damn nice. he has a good job, talks highly of his mom, and has it pretty much together.  he is single, available, tall, and attractive.  so why can't i like him?

i have ditched him a few times now and with work being so busy, i haven't made any effort to see him.  and then last night, he came by my friend's house for drinks.  and it wasn't so bad. 

i had a conversation about That Nice Guy with my new and wonderful friend, D, the other day.  she agreed that it was pretty fucked up that often we feel the need to run far away from stable and nice.  perhaps it's time, we thought, to start a new trend - a trend that involves embracing a kind of boy that is thoughtful, generous, and caring.  the one who would marry you. the one who thinks about buying a house and saving for retirement.

i will see That Nice Guy tonight and i am excited to embrace my new trend.

mr. popular (AKA once-a-month-bf)

i met mr. popular when i was in university - he was super cool and was the classic "guy's guy."  he dated pretty girls and went to all the pub crawls, fundraisers, and networking events.  he was literally the most popular boy in school - he was funny and interesting and cool, but i was never physically attracted to him.

until we took a 4th year Supply Chain Management class together and bonded during a field trip to the Walmart Distribution Center.  Oh yes, we were that cool.  it was on this trip that i realized that maybe his tall and large frame and cute nerd glasses were actually attractive.  so we hung out a bit, went on some dates, kissed, and talked about our successful careers and the future ahead of us.

then he got an amazing job at a huge blue-chip company in Toronto and moved after he graduated.  it was no big loss to me at the time - i had lots of other boys on the go and mr. popular had physically removed himself from the equation. 

mr. popular and i continued to flirt and talk via the Internets - swapping work stories and sexual adventures.  he helped me through many possible boy disasters and i provided insight into the confusing world that is a lady's brain. 

i finally made the trip down to toronto a few summer's ago to visit him and see if maybe living in TO was something i would enjoy. but it was not a successful trip.  i spent more time meeting all of mr. popular's girl friends and fans then i did hanging out with him. i was devastated - i thought that the trip would make me fall in love with both him and life in Toronto.  but it did the opposite - i left frustrated, mad, and annoyed with Toronto and mr. popular.   

it left a bad taste in my mouth and i vowed never to go back until last year, when he came clean about that fateful trip. he told me that he had been "scared" and that his outlook on life and love was changing.  perhaps i was that one person he was supposed to be with?  i didn't know the answer to that, i said.   but i did know that living in toronto, and being with mr. popular was not an option then.

now, maybe it is.

my new job requires me to be in the big city at least once a month.  mr. popular is usually around. and he makes a nice once-a-month boyfriend. we have dinner together, hold hands, kiss, and have pretty good sexy time.  it's glorious and nice and fancy and so grown-up.

so i just got back from toronto. and this time, it wasn't so great.  i don't know what i'm doing anymore actually.  i get my hopes up for my once-a-month-bf and our adventures - both in the city and in bed.

but this time was weird and a bit different. 
and i can't describe why.
there was nothing unusual or awkward. there was no badness or weirdness.
just a weird feeling inside of me.

i don't think i can do once-a-month-bf anymore - physically or mentally.
just another excuse to stay as far away from toronto as possible.

platonic passion.

i find it a frustrating concept that guys and girls can be friends. i'm not saying it is impossible, i'm just saying that it is rare.  

i think it is unnatural that a platonic relationship can exist between men and women beyond kindergarten and grade school.  (and even those friendships forged in our early years often end up in messy drunken "i have always loved you" confessions). 


i have never dated a guy who had "really good" girl friends but i don't think i would ever be comfortable with it.  call me jaded, but i believe that having relations with a member of the opposite sex will lead to just that, sex.  


boys and girls cannot be friends.


or so i keep telling myself.  because i cannot get Mr. Grammar out of my head.  Who is Mr. G, you ask?  I met Mr. G through my last job and I became good friends with him and his gf. in fact, The One That Looked Like Jesus and I went out on several double dates with them.  The boys were even good friends - they still are.


So fast forward - The One That Looked Like Jesus and I break up. Mr. G stays friends with both of us. Mr. G makes major efforts to keep our friendship going. he still does.  he likes my company, i like his.  it is easy and natural and amazing.  


we like words and reading.  scrabble gets us excited. we talk about nothing and everything and there is a comfortable comfort that i just can't exactly explain.  but it is effortless and stimulating and amazing.  


and i am so in love with him.
and he has a girlfriend.


my issue is this: we met in our mid 20s. we were co-workers for a year. and now, after a break up and a lay-off, we still make a significant effort to hang out and see each other.
he calls me "just to talk" and we make dinner for each other. alone. sans gf.



inappropriate for "just friends"?
i don't know. 


up until now, i have pushed the platonic-ness of our relationship in an effort to ensure Mr. G stays in my life. i'm scared if he knew how much i cared about him, he might run away or become awkward. but then i think that maybe he cares about me too.


he called me tonight just to say "hi" and that he was "thinking about me".  Would you want your boyfriend doing that to another girl?  i think not.  

so i think now it has gotten to a point where i must say something.
turn my platonic-ness into a passion and speak up for my feelings.


sometimes in life we need to take a chance and take the plunge.

here's to my platonic passion plunge. 

the ghosts of boyfriends past.

in order to start this blog properly, i need for you to become aquainted with the boys of my past.



i warn you now, my track record with guys isn't the prettiest or the most innocent. i admit, there have been times where i became lost in certain dramatic situations (hello, office affairs) and caught chasing the wrong guys (oh hi, mr. professor).


i am not proud of some of the things i've done (or the guys i've done, for that matter) but they all form into the beautiful story that is my life. and while happiness is not measured or controlled by our relationships with the male species, i find they are major contributors to the lessons we learn and the people we become.


allow me to share with you some of my major contributors:


Mr. Insta Happily Ever After
I met Mr. IHEA years ago during my frosh week at university. he was a fourth year (whoa.) and a Teaching Assistant (read: position of authority.) and i wanted him. turns out he wanted me too. and after months of flirtation and mild inappropriateness, we kinda hooked up. and it wasn't bad. Please understand that Mr. IHEA was not the most attractive young business graduate, but what he lacked in looks, he made up for in personality and oral sex.


our little "thing" lasted for a few months until he graduated. and then he got really serious. he wanted an insta-wife. i wanted fun. he had the degree, now he wanted a career, a house, a girl. i wanted wine, cigarettes, and lipgloss.


and so it ended based on our differing situations in life. but this was not the last of Mr. IHEA. oh no. he made a triumphant return in the fall of 2007 when I began recycledating (def'n - the act of re-dating a person from the past because your current options are limited). Mr. IHEA was a good bet. I was about to graduate and i wanted serious. so i got drunk with him a lot, told him i loved him during several drunken phone calls, kissed him a few times, and shared my dreams for "our future." and then i ran away.

whoops.

what i did to Mr. IHEA is not nice. not at all. i took advantage of a situation because i needed to make myself feel better about myself. and in the process, i hurt a really good guy. we should never have to turn back to someone we already left because we need insta-gratification. recycle-dating is never the answer. there was a reason we left in the first place.




trouble


trouble is perhaps the most scandalous contributor. i am not proud of this story and what happened with trouble was, just that, trouble. in fact, if he ever read this, he would be proud of what was written. which is shame really.


so yes, i urge you to judge based on the scadalous-ness of it all, i would too.


and so the story goes - many years back when i was in business school, i interned at a major computer company. i was 21.


there i met trouble. aka nerd gorgeous. and i was enthralled. i wanted him so very much. but knew that it was a big corporate no-no. oh, and he had a live-in girlfriend. i can't explain to you why i always enjoy(ed) going after guys who are completely unavailable, but i can't remember a time when i didn't love the chase. and although trouble was certainly unavailable (in oh so many ways), i certainly didn't have to chase him. because he chased me.


and so began a scandalous affair that saw at least one boardroom table, a bathroom, and a stairwell. whoops. (like i said, i'm not proud). but after months of this office affair, i realized that this was unfair to me. he was getting the best of both worlds, and i? i was having sex in the back of a car and in public places BECAUSE WE HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. He lived with his girlfriend. i lived with my parents. yikes. we couldn't go out in public often and he was at least 10 years my senior.

so i said goodbye to trouble. and he was hard to let go. he fought to stick around and i still hear from him from time to time. mostly to see if i want to hook-up, and the answer is no everytime. boys like trouble are no good. they want it all and expect to give you nothing in return.

 The One That Looked Like Jesus


he didn't look like jesus when i first met him.
he was beautiful. and he asked me if i liked snowboarding on the first day of my "real-life-big-girl" job. i thought he was the coolest coworker ever and i was the new girl in a cool company that was young-ish and did really good things for the world. it was exciting and amazing. the perfect first job out of university.


he made coming into work exciting. he made it fun and interesting and social and friendly and amazing. i could go on. oh, and he had a girlfriend. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) he was unattainable.


and so i fought hard to keep it platonic until one night we both gave up trying to fight it and we kissed. and that kiss turned into sex. in his car. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) but that sex in his car turned into countless more encounters that somewhere along the way sparked true feelings. and then he broke up with his gf ...and i became his gf...it was surreal and weird. but it worked. it worked until somewhere in the middle of Fall last year, he stopped wanting me. (you can read an earlier post about The One That Looked Like Jesus and our subsequent break-up. a break-up i asked for, but that he had initiated months before.)


The One That Looked Like Jesus was a lesson in never settling. all my friends were in relationships, i was in a relationship - WE ALL TOOK VACATIONS TOGETHER. HOW COOL IS THAT? and i didn't want to loose that. i liked the comfort. so i stayed longer than i should have. just because it was easy. and because we worked together. but i knew in the end (and i certainly know now) that i deserved better.


---


while i would love to say that my experience in life, love, dating, and sex is limited to these three winners, i am afraid i would be lying to you. there have been many more, more than i am willing to admit. but it seems that it has been these three who had the most impact and who have taught me the most.

a little walk down memory lane

the concept of 'never settling' is a lesson I learned the hard way.
a lesson that took a very long time to truly understand.
i would like to share with you the hurt and confusion that existed within me after i left my first "serious" boyfriend in early spring 2009:

I never thought it would hurt like this. I thought it would be easy to get over an asshole. But it was an asshole I spent a year with. I miss him with everything and with shame.  How can I romanticize a relationship that was lacking so much?

He left his live-in girlfriend for me.   He swept me off my feet and the dropped me so very hard.  There are not enough descriptors in the English language to define everything that was wrong with our relationship.

It was unemotional.

It was detached.

It sucked.

But I miss it. I miss the companionship.  A type of companionship I never knew I wanted. The feeling of knowing you have someone to go home to. Someone to fall asleep beside. Someone to just be there.

But I came to realize that while companionship is wonderful, it is not a relationship. A relationship requires support, understanding, love, and passion.  And I was missing all of them.  My boyfriend openly made fun of me, was uncomfortable with my parent’s success, disrespected my job, and refused to introduce me to his parents.

Yeah.

He made me think there was something wrong with me.  That I was something to be embarrassed about – when the reality was I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  I was young and pretty and smart and beginning a successful career.  I was witty, classy, and respectful.  But he could not love me and I will never know why. 

He also refused to have sex with me more than once a week.  Saturday mornings – that was it.  Sex became a taboo subject and he refused to answer my simple question – “why?”  Why do you not want to have sex with me?  Why do you turn away from me?    I got every excuse in the book and again, I will never know why.

How someone can be so utterly shut off from his feelings, I will never know.

One in a Bazillion

so.
the world wide web is rampant with blogs about the quest for finding "mr. right".
i've read a lot of them, and always enjoyed the feeling that i am not alone in my search.
that i am right in pushing away all the mr. wrongs. that i should not settle. that i should wait it out.


i have always chronicled my life through a journal (ok, at one time it was a bright pink diary, but who's asking) and i think it is time to take my most intimate musings and issues public.

because that's really smart. and clearly what everybody else is doing.

welcome. enjoy. experience. learn.