the ghosts of boyfriends past.

in order to start this blog properly, i need for you to become aquainted with the boys of my past.



i warn you now, my track record with guys isn't the prettiest or the most innocent. i admit, there have been times where i became lost in certain dramatic situations (hello, office affairs) and caught chasing the wrong guys (oh hi, mr. professor).


i am not proud of some of the things i've done (or the guys i've done, for that matter) but they all form into the beautiful story that is my life. and while happiness is not measured or controlled by our relationships with the male species, i find they are major contributors to the lessons we learn and the people we become.


allow me to share with you some of my major contributors:


Mr. Insta Happily Ever After
I met Mr. IHEA years ago during my frosh week at university. he was a fourth year (whoa.) and a Teaching Assistant (read: position of authority.) and i wanted him. turns out he wanted me too. and after months of flirtation and mild inappropriateness, we kinda hooked up. and it wasn't bad. Please understand that Mr. IHEA was not the most attractive young business graduate, but what he lacked in looks, he made up for in personality and oral sex.


our little "thing" lasted for a few months until he graduated. and then he got really serious. he wanted an insta-wife. i wanted fun. he had the degree, now he wanted a career, a house, a girl. i wanted wine, cigarettes, and lipgloss.


and so it ended based on our differing situations in life. but this was not the last of Mr. IHEA. oh no. he made a triumphant return in the fall of 2007 when I began recycledating (def'n - the act of re-dating a person from the past because your current options are limited). Mr. IHEA was a good bet. I was about to graduate and i wanted serious. so i got drunk with him a lot, told him i loved him during several drunken phone calls, kissed him a few times, and shared my dreams for "our future." and then i ran away.

whoops.

what i did to Mr. IHEA is not nice. not at all. i took advantage of a situation because i needed to make myself feel better about myself. and in the process, i hurt a really good guy. we should never have to turn back to someone we already left because we need insta-gratification. recycle-dating is never the answer. there was a reason we left in the first place.




trouble


trouble is perhaps the most scandalous contributor. i am not proud of this story and what happened with trouble was, just that, trouble. in fact, if he ever read this, he would be proud of what was written. which is shame really.


so yes, i urge you to judge based on the scadalous-ness of it all, i would too.


and so the story goes - many years back when i was in business school, i interned at a major computer company. i was 21.


there i met trouble. aka nerd gorgeous. and i was enthralled. i wanted him so very much. but knew that it was a big corporate no-no. oh, and he had a live-in girlfriend. i can't explain to you why i always enjoy(ed) going after guys who are completely unavailable, but i can't remember a time when i didn't love the chase. and although trouble was certainly unavailable (in oh so many ways), i certainly didn't have to chase him. because he chased me.


and so began a scandalous affair that saw at least one boardroom table, a bathroom, and a stairwell. whoops. (like i said, i'm not proud). but after months of this office affair, i realized that this was unfair to me. he was getting the best of both worlds, and i? i was having sex in the back of a car and in public places BECAUSE WE HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. He lived with his girlfriend. i lived with my parents. yikes. we couldn't go out in public often and he was at least 10 years my senior.

so i said goodbye to trouble. and he was hard to let go. he fought to stick around and i still hear from him from time to time. mostly to see if i want to hook-up, and the answer is no everytime. boys like trouble are no good. they want it all and expect to give you nothing in return.

 The One That Looked Like Jesus


he didn't look like jesus when i first met him.
he was beautiful. and he asked me if i liked snowboarding on the first day of my "real-life-big-girl" job. i thought he was the coolest coworker ever and i was the new girl in a cool company that was young-ish and did really good things for the world. it was exciting and amazing. the perfect first job out of university.


he made coming into work exciting. he made it fun and interesting and social and friendly and amazing. i could go on. oh, and he had a girlfriend. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) he was unattainable.


and so i fought hard to keep it platonic until one night we both gave up trying to fight it and we kissed. and that kiss turned into sex. in his car. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) but that sex in his car turned into countless more encounters that somewhere along the way sparked true feelings. and then he broke up with his gf ...and i became his gf...it was surreal and weird. but it worked. it worked until somewhere in the middle of Fall last year, he stopped wanting me. (you can read an earlier post about The One That Looked Like Jesus and our subsequent break-up. a break-up i asked for, but that he had initiated months before.)


The One That Looked Like Jesus was a lesson in never settling. all my friends were in relationships, i was in a relationship - WE ALL TOOK VACATIONS TOGETHER. HOW COOL IS THAT? and i didn't want to loose that. i liked the comfort. so i stayed longer than i should have. just because it was easy. and because we worked together. but i knew in the end (and i certainly know now) that i deserved better.


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while i would love to say that my experience in life, love, dating, and sex is limited to these three winners, i am afraid i would be lying to you. there have been many more, more than i am willing to admit. but it seems that it has been these three who had the most impact and who have taught me the most.