a bad mistake.

in my last post, i mentioned the fact that i was done with badboy.
done with his delicious sex.
done with his unrelenting sex drive.
basically done with him.

but that was a downright lie. 
oh, i went back - yes,  yes i did.  the badboy and i, in fact, have shared many nights together since i last spoke.  there have even been moments where i thought that maybe badboy wasn't so bad at all. that maybe the two of us could come together when all the odds were stacked against us.

you know, 'cause that happens all the time.  clearly badboy will turn out to be just a bad boy waiting for the right girl to come along and make him a good boy.

in.my.dreams.

i don't know how i convinced myself that maybe i would be different than any other girl badboy had come across. i don't know how i could put myself in such a vunerable situation (just wait, i'm getting to that). and i really don't know how i could resort back to being on the receiving end of a 30-something, non-committed asshole. i thought i had learned my lesson on that one.

but no, instead i decided that i should come right out and talk to badboy about this whole "thing" we've got going on.  my issue is this - i'm in my mid 20s, i understand the risks that go along with a non-monogamous relationship.  i'm too old for bullshit and i'm certainly too old for an std.  i wanted to ensure that if we were going to continue this "thing" that we were to be 100% safe about it because i wasn't sure if i was the only "thing" in his life.

annnddd he went silent.
like i basically just trumped the drunken "you anmd me = yes" text.
there was an obvious pause and then a terrible awkwardness that wound up ruining the entire evening.  there was sex, of course. safe sex. and all i could think about the whole time was - "i'm.not.the.only.one." - over and over again in my head.  what a terrible feeling. 

badboy is gone. for good this time. i can't be left feeling like this ever again.  i should not have to question a boy's intentions with me.  and i shouldn't have to be ms. monday or "one of many."  it's unfair.

i deserve better.
all girls do.

an update.

it has been quite some time since i last provided you an update.  and i'm here to tell you - there is reason for this absence.  the reason(s) in chronological order:

1 -  the virgin "did I mention I have Crohns?" guy
2 -  the friend-of-the-coworker (AKA married dude) 
2 -  the return of the badboy


i am well aware that these are not really reasons, but boys.  but isn't that the best reason ever?  i have been living in the awkward middleground that is singleness for quite some time now and lately, i have been calling into question my own ability to attract guys who i want to date and be serious with.  this ability appears to be non-existent - i love bad, bad boys. boys who you don't want to take home to your family.  boys who don't call you back. 

so after my latest disasterous bout of badboy, i decided that i should take this realization that i am attracting the wrong kind of boy and once again, try for the good.   enter my roomie, who sets me up immediately with an old coworker.  he's tall and nice and smart, she says.  he is a good person, a Finance guy. oh, and did we mention he's a virgin? yep. 

i must admit, i was intrigued.  he's in his late 20s, i saw his facebook profile picture - he's cute, and he's got a good future ahead of him.  i am assured by ms. roomie that he is social and friendly...and her guess is that he just has never had the right opportunity.  good guys, apparently, wait for an act of god before performing a deadly sin. 

so i decided to go on a Sunday brunch date with the virgin. and saw why he was still a virgin.  homeboy is rake thin.  tall and thin. and while i understand this works for some ladies, it does not work for this one.  but i gave it the benefit of the doubt, enjoyed brunch and the company, and decided that nice guys deserve a date (and a break) sometimes. 

and when the virgin asked if we could go to a movie that week, i said yes.   so off we went to an old school theatre downtown right before Halloween to see an old horror classic and as we sit settle into our seats and wait for the film to start,  he throws out the most ridiculous and TMI (def'n - acronym, too much information) statement i have ever heard on a second date - "did i mention i have crohns?" 

and wow.  obviously my first thought is poor guy.  my next thought is, well that's why he's so skinny. how does someone react to a statement like this?  i felt horrible and mumbled that i was sorry to hear that...blah blah blah...please get me the hell out of here.  that's when i also looked down and saw that his thighs were skinnier than mine.

deal breaker. total deal breaker.  trust me, the crohns i could handle, the TMI i could chalk up as nerves, but the thighs?  no way. it was done right then and there.  that's my thing. a dude's gotta have bigger thighs.  anything else is just unnatural.


and so after the movie, i broke things off with the virgin TIMI guy.  and went on to warding off the friend-of-a-coworker.  he's married and older and works for a company i really, really want to work for some day.  and he likes me. very much.  he IMs me every day and it's relentless.  it has gone from innocent to not innocent at all.  and all the while this is going on, badboy comes back on the scene.


turns out he wasn't uninterested, he's just bad.  he doesn't want dates and movie nights, he wants sex, motorcycles, and cigarettes.  so i had my way with him on my own terms (read: great round 2 sex) and felt that at least i remembered all of it this time, and he seemed very satisfied.  that badass bust made me call into question my "abilities" and made me feel that perhaps i wasn't desirable.  why else would he not want to see me again.  oh yeah, he's the badboy.


i see the badboy and i continuing a professional and friendly front at work, but i think i'm done.  he's not what i want.  he is not good for the ego, or the soul.  

after the badboy realization, it appeared that the whole friend-of-the-colleague chatting sessions were getting more racy (on his end) and very inappropriate messages.  especially while he was away on business this week.  he recorded, yes recorded, the most sexual messages i have heard.  it was like phone sex, but a recording.  it made me blush, laugh, and tingly all at the same time.  and that should not have been the case.  this guy should not be doing this.  he's married and has 2 kids.  not cool dude, not cool.  and here i was almost encouraging it.


so i slapped myself out of my egoistic, attention-seeking frame of mind and told him to stop. and he kinda has.  kinda.  there are no more recordings, but there is certainly still a lot of messaging and attention.   

is this bad? probably.  
but i can't cut all bad out of my life, where's the fun in that?

the badass bust.

damn.
my hopes of catching and taming the badboy are over.
dashed.  gone. a  distant memory.

there have been a few texts,  some casual conversation, and  a  msn conversation here and there  - but that does not constitute progress.   i asked him out over msn today to see this cool documentary - a film that is playing for only two days downtown.  and he told me he has volleyball on both of those nights, sadface, sorry.


no offer of an alternative.
no continuing of the conversation.
i may as well had a phat farm sweatshirt on - he is so not into me.

damn.  

the right kind of wrong.

the words, "oh wow" come to mind as i try to figure out how to explain to you my new found desire for all things bad.

i went on the date with mr. motorcycle, and i was, oh so very, very bad.
we went to a restaurant near his place and enjoyed delish food and a bottle of wine - act of badness the first.

i was driving - why was i agreeing to share a bottle of wine? i had to eventually embark upon a 20 minute drive home - why would i ever think this was ever okay?  

i blame the badboy influence.
that and the fact he looked so damn yummy. (but i guess when your last date wore Phat Farm, anything was bound to impress.)

so there i am, drinking my, oh fourth glass of wine, when he brings up the preverbial question, "so, what are we doing after dinner?"

me: "uh, go and get a drink somewhere?"
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY I SHOULD HAVE MORE BEFORE I GET BEHIND THE WHEEL.
and so materialized act of badness #2.

mr. motorcycle approved of my suggestion and off we went for a drink down the street, but not before he first suggested that we "just go back to his place" to drink. in a suprising act of somewhat intelligence, i quickly poo-poo-ed that idea and directed us over to a bar.

where we proceeded to drink more. (act of badness the third.)
the conversation, by the way, was amazing and natural. he is actually cool and easy to talk to - i liked it.  we played 20 questions and i enjoyed all of his answers and questions.  i enjoyed it so much that when he asked if i wanted to go to his house and have a drink, i said yes.

that was the ultimate act of badness.
i fought hard (well over 45 minutes) at his house to keep a physical distance between us. until it all went arye and we got naked and had very, very bad sex - but bad in the good way.

whoops.
there was a lot of badass sex that night. so much in fact that i'm still not walking properly. i have bruises, marks, and amazing memories. i left in the morning with a massive headache but a rather dirty smile on my face.  he really is that bad...in a good way.

i promised myself i would not contact him first.  i had to play it super cool, let him come to me, you know? instead i wound up sending a drunktxt (def'n: a text message sent when you have consumed too much alcohol) to mr. motorcycle.   to my surprise he responded quickly and sadly declined my drunken request to come to the bar we were at.

but i didn't stop there.
oh no. no. no. no.
i wrote him back (and i quote WORD FOR WORD) "Ps - i think you anmd me = yes"
liiike, what? who thinks up something like that, let alone says it?  and who can't spell the word "and"?
when i read it back to myself in the morning, i was devastated.  in one text message, i might have destroyed all my chances i had with mr. motorcycle.

so i attempted damage control and sent him a text message apologizing for the drunken texts. and he wrote back with a "these things happen. have a great Thanksgiving."
!!!!

hmm...bad boy played nice.
and i'm still very much into him.
stay posted.

the one with a motorcycle

when i was a little girl, my mother told me a story that made me forever terrified of anything to do with motorcycles. i will spare you the gruesome details of a story involving an accident, a motorcycle, and a paramedic (my mom's cousin) - but it was terrible and incredibly impressionable. 

so, i grew up with the forced understanding that motorcycles were bad.

in fact, it was also the people who drove motorcycles, she said, who were bad - i believe my mother even once when so far as to comment, "boys who drive motorcycles have loose morals."


i have never been remotely interested in anything to do with motorcycles until i accidently stumbled upon a cute boy who works in my building.  and he just so happens to own a motorcycle.


he is bad.
and not just because he owns a motorcycle - he has this whole badass mantra that i can't put a finger on. and i like it.  he is funny, sometimes crude, and calls it like it is.  he is refreshing and provides an excellent distraction during my day.  but he owns a motorycle, and that is bad.

but i'm beginning to think that bad is the new good.

he has offered to take me on my first motorcycle ride too many times to recall and i have turned him down each time.  his reactions to my fear have been both hilarious and understandable. and i like his teasing - it's bad and good all at the same time.

and now The One With a Motorcycle has asked me out for dinner on Friday.
and i said yes, on the condition that we travel in a vehicle that has doors and windows.

but this brings me to the question - why?  why am i going for a badass again?  why am i wasting my time with a boy who is often rude but shows signs of goodness? i sometimes think it's because i see a glimmer of good AND the fact that i am drawn to situations where i like the boy more than he likes me.

i like the chase. i like the butterflies. i like the unknowns and it appeals to me in ways that i can't explain.  my fear of motorcyles is deeply rooted - they are scary and bad, it gives me butterflies just looking at one. but in a weird way, i think i am drawn to them and attracted to their power. 

almost like the feeling i get with a bad boy.
and now i have found a bad boy WITH a motorcycle.
...this should be interesting.

when nice just doesn't cut it.

so i gave it a shot with That Nice Guy.
annnd it was a  complete bust.
i must preface my disappointment with the explanation that i tried really hard to open myself to the possibility that maybe it was time for me to choose nice over unavailable. that it was my chance to break my bad dating habits and embrace the comfortness that is That Nice Guy.


so i said yes to a movie date. and this time, i didn't make up a lame excuse to ditch him and i only changed the place and date once. i swear. so off i went on a date that i hoped would forever change my fucked up status-quo.


but i couldn't get past his wardrobe.
don't even get me started.  phat farm at 25? he may as well been dressed in seasame street attire. it was absolutely ridiculous and i had no idea how to act.  

he tried several times to put his hand on my thigh during the  movie and i caught him every few minutes, looking over at me with this weirdo look that suggested he might kiss me.  it was during the movie that i realized i am so not into him.  That Nice Guy is simply that, nice.  He is not anything close to what i crave and desire in a significant other.  i want passion and laughter and awesomeness and unrelenting desire.  and That Nice Guy does not arouse any of those feelings.


so after this realization (and the movie), i practically ran to my car (yes, my car, SINCE HE DOES NOT OWN ONE) and chauffered That Nice Guy home, with the realization that our relationship would end in exactly the same place it began - in the rain, in his driveway, in awkward silence. 

that nice guy

I started this blog in an effort to keep my darling best friend who is currently on a job assignment in the middle east up to date on my boy adventures.

and it has turned into so much more than that.
this blog has quickly turned into my Journal 2.0.
my thoughts are now typed for all the world to see on the Internets. gone are the days when they were locked away in my nightstand, right next to the vibrator and condoms.

and i kinda like it.
perhaps my mistakes, endeavours, successes, and their subsequent lessons will shed light on others' search for butterflies.

so here i am today, to muse about That Nice Guy.
we all know one - the guy who gets you a cab home, the one who finds your jacket and makes sure you get home safe.

i have one of those and he likes me. a lot, i think.  i met That Nice Guy through good friends and through various social and sport activities. we actually see each other quite often.

and one night in the middle of the summer, we made out in the rain, in my car.  here was the conversation:

*intense storm rain is beating down and we are in my car, music is playing softly on the radio...there is silence..until finally..*

That Nice Guy: wow. that is intense rain.
me: righhhht. so are we going to sit here in my car and talk about the weather, or are you going to kiss me?
That Nice Guy: oh yes, right, i was getting to that.

and so began a very lovely make-out that lasted for quite sometime, until the rain died down and he ran inside.  and i ran away.

he is too damn nice. he has a good job, talks highly of his mom, and has it pretty much together.  he is single, available, tall, and attractive.  so why can't i like him?

i have ditched him a few times now and with work being so busy, i haven't made any effort to see him.  and then last night, he came by my friend's house for drinks.  and it wasn't so bad. 

i had a conversation about That Nice Guy with my new and wonderful friend, D, the other day.  she agreed that it was pretty fucked up that often we feel the need to run far away from stable and nice.  perhaps it's time, we thought, to start a new trend - a trend that involves embracing a kind of boy that is thoughtful, generous, and caring.  the one who would marry you. the one who thinks about buying a house and saving for retirement.

i will see That Nice Guy tonight and i am excited to embrace my new trend.

mr. popular (AKA once-a-month-bf)

i met mr. popular when i was in university - he was super cool and was the classic "guy's guy."  he dated pretty girls and went to all the pub crawls, fundraisers, and networking events.  he was literally the most popular boy in school - he was funny and interesting and cool, but i was never physically attracted to him.

until we took a 4th year Supply Chain Management class together and bonded during a field trip to the Walmart Distribution Center.  Oh yes, we were that cool.  it was on this trip that i realized that maybe his tall and large frame and cute nerd glasses were actually attractive.  so we hung out a bit, went on some dates, kissed, and talked about our successful careers and the future ahead of us.

then he got an amazing job at a huge blue-chip company in Toronto and moved after he graduated.  it was no big loss to me at the time - i had lots of other boys on the go and mr. popular had physically removed himself from the equation. 

mr. popular and i continued to flirt and talk via the Internets - swapping work stories and sexual adventures.  he helped me through many possible boy disasters and i provided insight into the confusing world that is a lady's brain. 

i finally made the trip down to toronto a few summer's ago to visit him and see if maybe living in TO was something i would enjoy. but it was not a successful trip.  i spent more time meeting all of mr. popular's girl friends and fans then i did hanging out with him. i was devastated - i thought that the trip would make me fall in love with both him and life in Toronto.  but it did the opposite - i left frustrated, mad, and annoyed with Toronto and mr. popular.   

it left a bad taste in my mouth and i vowed never to go back until last year, when he came clean about that fateful trip. he told me that he had been "scared" and that his outlook on life and love was changing.  perhaps i was that one person he was supposed to be with?  i didn't know the answer to that, i said.   but i did know that living in toronto, and being with mr. popular was not an option then.

now, maybe it is.

my new job requires me to be in the big city at least once a month.  mr. popular is usually around. and he makes a nice once-a-month boyfriend. we have dinner together, hold hands, kiss, and have pretty good sexy time.  it's glorious and nice and fancy and so grown-up.

so i just got back from toronto. and this time, it wasn't so great.  i don't know what i'm doing anymore actually.  i get my hopes up for my once-a-month-bf and our adventures - both in the city and in bed.

but this time was weird and a bit different. 
and i can't describe why.
there was nothing unusual or awkward. there was no badness or weirdness.
just a weird feeling inside of me.

i don't think i can do once-a-month-bf anymore - physically or mentally.
just another excuse to stay as far away from toronto as possible.

platonic passion.

i find it a frustrating concept that guys and girls can be friends. i'm not saying it is impossible, i'm just saying that it is rare.  

i think it is unnatural that a platonic relationship can exist between men and women beyond kindergarten and grade school.  (and even those friendships forged in our early years often end up in messy drunken "i have always loved you" confessions). 


i have never dated a guy who had "really good" girl friends but i don't think i would ever be comfortable with it.  call me jaded, but i believe that having relations with a member of the opposite sex will lead to just that, sex.  


boys and girls cannot be friends.


or so i keep telling myself.  because i cannot get Mr. Grammar out of my head.  Who is Mr. G, you ask?  I met Mr. G through my last job and I became good friends with him and his gf. in fact, The One That Looked Like Jesus and I went out on several double dates with them.  The boys were even good friends - they still are.


So fast forward - The One That Looked Like Jesus and I break up. Mr. G stays friends with both of us. Mr. G makes major efforts to keep our friendship going. he still does.  he likes my company, i like his.  it is easy and natural and amazing.  


we like words and reading.  scrabble gets us excited. we talk about nothing and everything and there is a comfortable comfort that i just can't exactly explain.  but it is effortless and stimulating and amazing.  


and i am so in love with him.
and he has a girlfriend.


my issue is this: we met in our mid 20s. we were co-workers for a year. and now, after a break up and a lay-off, we still make a significant effort to hang out and see each other.
he calls me "just to talk" and we make dinner for each other. alone. sans gf.



inappropriate for "just friends"?
i don't know. 


up until now, i have pushed the platonic-ness of our relationship in an effort to ensure Mr. G stays in my life. i'm scared if he knew how much i cared about him, he might run away or become awkward. but then i think that maybe he cares about me too.


he called me tonight just to say "hi" and that he was "thinking about me".  Would you want your boyfriend doing that to another girl?  i think not.  

so i think now it has gotten to a point where i must say something.
turn my platonic-ness into a passion and speak up for my feelings.


sometimes in life we need to take a chance and take the plunge.

here's to my platonic passion plunge. 

the ghosts of boyfriends past.

in order to start this blog properly, i need for you to become aquainted with the boys of my past.



i warn you now, my track record with guys isn't the prettiest or the most innocent. i admit, there have been times where i became lost in certain dramatic situations (hello, office affairs) and caught chasing the wrong guys (oh hi, mr. professor).


i am not proud of some of the things i've done (or the guys i've done, for that matter) but they all form into the beautiful story that is my life. and while happiness is not measured or controlled by our relationships with the male species, i find they are major contributors to the lessons we learn and the people we become.


allow me to share with you some of my major contributors:


Mr. Insta Happily Ever After
I met Mr. IHEA years ago during my frosh week at university. he was a fourth year (whoa.) and a Teaching Assistant (read: position of authority.) and i wanted him. turns out he wanted me too. and after months of flirtation and mild inappropriateness, we kinda hooked up. and it wasn't bad. Please understand that Mr. IHEA was not the most attractive young business graduate, but what he lacked in looks, he made up for in personality and oral sex.


our little "thing" lasted for a few months until he graduated. and then he got really serious. he wanted an insta-wife. i wanted fun. he had the degree, now he wanted a career, a house, a girl. i wanted wine, cigarettes, and lipgloss.


and so it ended based on our differing situations in life. but this was not the last of Mr. IHEA. oh no. he made a triumphant return in the fall of 2007 when I began recycledating (def'n - the act of re-dating a person from the past because your current options are limited). Mr. IHEA was a good bet. I was about to graduate and i wanted serious. so i got drunk with him a lot, told him i loved him during several drunken phone calls, kissed him a few times, and shared my dreams for "our future." and then i ran away.

whoops.

what i did to Mr. IHEA is not nice. not at all. i took advantage of a situation because i needed to make myself feel better about myself. and in the process, i hurt a really good guy. we should never have to turn back to someone we already left because we need insta-gratification. recycle-dating is never the answer. there was a reason we left in the first place.




trouble


trouble is perhaps the most scandalous contributor. i am not proud of this story and what happened with trouble was, just that, trouble. in fact, if he ever read this, he would be proud of what was written. which is shame really.


so yes, i urge you to judge based on the scadalous-ness of it all, i would too.


and so the story goes - many years back when i was in business school, i interned at a major computer company. i was 21.


there i met trouble. aka nerd gorgeous. and i was enthralled. i wanted him so very much. but knew that it was a big corporate no-no. oh, and he had a live-in girlfriend. i can't explain to you why i always enjoy(ed) going after guys who are completely unavailable, but i can't remember a time when i didn't love the chase. and although trouble was certainly unavailable (in oh so many ways), i certainly didn't have to chase him. because he chased me.


and so began a scandalous affair that saw at least one boardroom table, a bathroom, and a stairwell. whoops. (like i said, i'm not proud). but after months of this office affair, i realized that this was unfair to me. he was getting the best of both worlds, and i? i was having sex in the back of a car and in public places BECAUSE WE HAD NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. He lived with his girlfriend. i lived with my parents. yikes. we couldn't go out in public often and he was at least 10 years my senior.

so i said goodbye to trouble. and he was hard to let go. he fought to stick around and i still hear from him from time to time. mostly to see if i want to hook-up, and the answer is no everytime. boys like trouble are no good. they want it all and expect to give you nothing in return.

 The One That Looked Like Jesus


he didn't look like jesus when i first met him.
he was beautiful. and he asked me if i liked snowboarding on the first day of my "real-life-big-girl" job. i thought he was the coolest coworker ever and i was the new girl in a cool company that was young-ish and did really good things for the world. it was exciting and amazing. the perfect first job out of university.


he made coming into work exciting. he made it fun and interesting and social and friendly and amazing. i could go on. oh, and he had a girlfriend. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) he was unattainable.


and so i fought hard to keep it platonic until one night we both gave up trying to fight it and we kissed. and that kiss turned into sex. in his car. (yes, can you see a pattern here?) but that sex in his car turned into countless more encounters that somewhere along the way sparked true feelings. and then he broke up with his gf ...and i became his gf...it was surreal and weird. but it worked. it worked until somewhere in the middle of Fall last year, he stopped wanting me. (you can read an earlier post about The One That Looked Like Jesus and our subsequent break-up. a break-up i asked for, but that he had initiated months before.)


The One That Looked Like Jesus was a lesson in never settling. all my friends were in relationships, i was in a relationship - WE ALL TOOK VACATIONS TOGETHER. HOW COOL IS THAT? and i didn't want to loose that. i liked the comfort. so i stayed longer than i should have. just because it was easy. and because we worked together. but i knew in the end (and i certainly know now) that i deserved better.


---


while i would love to say that my experience in life, love, dating, and sex is limited to these three winners, i am afraid i would be lying to you. there have been many more, more than i am willing to admit. but it seems that it has been these three who had the most impact and who have taught me the most.

a little walk down memory lane

the concept of 'never settling' is a lesson I learned the hard way.
a lesson that took a very long time to truly understand.
i would like to share with you the hurt and confusion that existed within me after i left my first "serious" boyfriend in early spring 2009:

I never thought it would hurt like this. I thought it would be easy to get over an asshole. But it was an asshole I spent a year with. I miss him with everything and with shame.  How can I romanticize a relationship that was lacking so much?

He left his live-in girlfriend for me.   He swept me off my feet and the dropped me so very hard.  There are not enough descriptors in the English language to define everything that was wrong with our relationship.

It was unemotional.

It was detached.

It sucked.

But I miss it. I miss the companionship.  A type of companionship I never knew I wanted. The feeling of knowing you have someone to go home to. Someone to fall asleep beside. Someone to just be there.

But I came to realize that while companionship is wonderful, it is not a relationship. A relationship requires support, understanding, love, and passion.  And I was missing all of them.  My boyfriend openly made fun of me, was uncomfortable with my parent’s success, disrespected my job, and refused to introduce me to his parents.

Yeah.

He made me think there was something wrong with me.  That I was something to be embarrassed about – when the reality was I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.  I was young and pretty and smart and beginning a successful career.  I was witty, classy, and respectful.  But he could not love me and I will never know why. 

He also refused to have sex with me more than once a week.  Saturday mornings – that was it.  Sex became a taboo subject and he refused to answer my simple question – “why?”  Why do you not want to have sex with me?  Why do you turn away from me?    I got every excuse in the book and again, I will never know why.

How someone can be so utterly shut off from his feelings, I will never know.

One in a Bazillion

so.
the world wide web is rampant with blogs about the quest for finding "mr. right".
i've read a lot of them, and always enjoyed the feeling that i am not alone in my search.
that i am right in pushing away all the mr. wrongs. that i should not settle. that i should wait it out.


i have always chronicled my life through a journal (ok, at one time it was a bright pink diary, but who's asking) and i think it is time to take my most intimate musings and issues public.

because that's really smart. and clearly what everybody else is doing.

welcome. enjoy. experience. learn.