a lesson that took a very long time to truly understand.
i would like to share with you the hurt and confusion that existed within me after i left my first "serious" boyfriend in early spring 2009:
I never thought it would hurt like this. I thought it would be easy to get over an asshole. But it was an asshole I spent a year with. I miss him with everything and with shame. How can I romanticize a relationship that was lacking so much?
He left his live-in girlfriend for me. He swept me off my feet and the dropped me so very hard. There are not enough descriptors in the English language to define everything that was wrong with our relationship.
It was unemotional.
It was detached.
It sucked.
But I miss it. I miss the companionship. A type of companionship I never knew I wanted. The feeling of knowing you have someone to go home to. Someone to fall asleep beside. Someone to just be there.
But I came to realize that while companionship is wonderful, it is not a relationship. A relationship requires support, understanding, love, and passion. And I was missing all of them. My boyfriend openly made fun of me, was uncomfortable with my parent’s success, disrespected my job, and refused to introduce me to his parents.
Yeah.
He made me think there was something wrong with me. That I was something to be embarrassed about – when the reality was I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. I was young and pretty and smart and beginning a successful career. I was witty, classy, and respectful. But he could not love me and I will never know why.
He also refused to have sex with me more than once a week. Saturday mornings – that was it. Sex became a taboo subject and he refused to answer my simple question – “why?” Why do you not want to have sex with me? Why do you turn away from me? I got every excuse in the book and again, I will never know why.
How someone can be so utterly shut off from his feelings, I will never know.
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